Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Enemies of Fashion, Allies of Democracy

The last two weeks have been hectic times for those of us ferreting out the enemies of democracy.

Valiant think-tank employees have marshaled their fiscal resources to perform the mathematical analysis necessary to prove that Jon Stewart is an enemy of democracy. Mighty Michelle Malkin and Heroic David Horowitz have unveiled The New York Times as an enemy of democracy for reprinting top-secret documents and photographs previously available only to readers of Newsmax. And, in a beautifully orchestrated homage to Joe McCarthy, Rick Santorum, the future ex-Senator from Pennsylvania, planted distributed evidence that the Defense Department itself is harboring enemies of democracy who are covering up the existence of the very WMDs for which we originally went to war.

In the battle against the enemies of democracy, it doesn't matter whether any of these stories might be true; what only matters is that our followers believe that these stories are true.

But the forces of democracy suffered a serious setback today. A few days ago, I wrote an encrypted message advising the Loyal Legions of the Right Chicken Wing that it was time to don our brownshirts.

Unfortunately, the ever-Randian (and ever-randy) Pamela at Atlas Shrugs mistook the memo and instead donned a brownskirt (and, it would appear, not much of anything else).

The result--well, the result has to be seen to be believed. That most loquacious enemy of democracy, Glenn Greenwald, managed to watch the whole thing twice (unless he was referring the--ahem--double vision caused by the most prominent parts of Pam's dangerously hypnotic video).

I too watched Ms. Pamela attempt to perfect her triptych of imitations of Ann Coulter, Janet Lupo, and Susan Mayer all at the same time, but I'm afraid I wasn't able to make it past the first two minutes. I was too distracted by a single un-PC thought: Oh my god. What the hell is she wearing?

If this is the best in media savvy that the pro-Georgian Monarchists Republicans can come up with, then our democracy is, I fear, doomed. (Some friendly advice to Pamela: Connie Chung might be available to enhance the production values of your next video.)

Setting aside my Independence Day snark and awe campaign, I note that Justice Clarence Thomas engaged in the type of sound-bite demagoguery we have come to expect from both him and his puppetmaster, Antonin Scalia. In his dissent last week to Hamdan vs. Rumsfeld, Thomas claimed that the decision: "would sorely hamper the President's ability to confront and defeat a new and deadly enemy." Brave words, especially coming from a man who never served in the military, yet who proudly claimed that World War II veteran Justice Stevens displayed an "unfamiliarity with the realities of warfare." I suspect that Justice Thomas has been playing too many video games like this one between his post-adolescent pranks involving cans of soda.

Let me match Thomas's challenge to engage in sound bites. On this anniversary of our nation's founding, let us all remember that the only enemies of democracy we need fear are those who would gladly sacrifice the most essential characteristics of our democracy in order to save it.