Thursday, March 30, 2006

Reading, Writing, and Crystal Methematics

"If liberals were prevented from ever again calling Republicans dumb, they would be robbed of half their arguments," Ann Coulter infamously said (and I'm not linking to where I found the quote because non-tropical populations should not be allowed to wade through cholera-infested swamps before having their shots).

Fortunately, Republicans are unfailingly supplying liberals with steaming heaps of raw sewage for the other half of our arguments. The intricate equations of Coulter's speed-speaking moral calculus (which I call Coulter's Crystal Methematics) have lately made her little more than a dumbed-down parody of Father Coughlin. But now the Ice Queen is in a bit of real trouble. You might recall that she appears to have used a fraudulent address to vote in the last Florida election. Via Crooks and Liars, we hear that the right-wing's leading female crank is facing the possibility of a criminal proceeding:
In a registered letter scheduled to be sent to her this week, Coulter is asked to "clarify certain information as to her legal residence," elections boss Arthur Anderson said. [ . . . ] Or else? He could refer the case to State Attorney Barry Krischer for criminal charges, Anderson said.
The Palm Beach Post article went on to note that the letter might not even make it to her; by law, Anderson had to send it to the address where Coulter was registered to vote (the home of an acquaintance), not to where she is known to live.

Boy, is she dumb.

Then, if you've been anywhere in blogland today, you probably know about the Mysterious Case of the Iraqi Street Corner Photograph. Howard Kaloogian, a leading Republican candidate (among an admittedly crowded field) for the Congressional seat vacated by the freshly convicted Duke Cunningham, posted on his campaign's Web site a photograph taken during his "vacation," showing how a typical street corner in downtown Baghdad is "much more calm and stable than what many people believe it to be."

A few subtly placed clues (wrong language on the store fronts, shoppers in Western garb) led bloggers at Daily Kos on an admirably diligent (if relatively short-lived) hunt that uncovered an identical street corner in Istanbul (here's a friendly hint to the yellow elephants who might be trolling this site: that's in Turkey).

"It's one itty-bitty picture," whined Kaloogian, still exhausted from last July's "Baghdad Truth Tour." Problem is, it was the only picture of the Baghdad outdoors on his site. So now Kaloogian has replaced the fraudulent photograph with a new one, an aerial view he (or someone else?) bravely took from the safety of his hotel room in the Green Zone.

Man, is he stupid!

And then there's Hugh Hewitt, another heroic homeland-based fighter in the war against terrorism. During his most recent invasion of New York, Hewitt conducted on his radio show a phone interview with Michael Ware, a journalist who has been reporting for the last four years from the popular resort areas in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Hewitt interrupted his long-distance guest, who had the gall to suggest that Private Hewitt was "far from the realities of this war":
I'm sitting in the Empire State Building. Michael, I'm sitting in the Empire State Building, which has been in the past, and could be again, a target. Because in downtown Manhattan, it's not comfortable, although it's a lot safer than where you are, people always are three miles away from where the jihadis last spoke in America.... {italics mine}
Yes, Hewitt bravely spends a whole day strolling through the thicket of 7 million otherwise-quite-comfortable New Yorkers and courageously compares his own air-conditioned ordeal with that of the American soldiers putting their lives and limbs on the line in Iraq, the journalists literally dying to report the news, and the decreasing number of Iraqi citizens who even dare to leave their electricity-free homes.

(It's ironic that, in the same interview, Hewitt compares reporting of the enemy during World War II with "the 'morality' of spending time with and covering the insurgents" now. Because my mother's family in Hawaii would surely agree: They're sitting in Honolulu, which has been in the past, and could be again, a target. Because on Waikiki, it's not comfortable lying on the beach, although it's a lot safer than where Ware is; people always are three miles away from where our enemies.... On second thought, the parallel doesn't work: the Iraqi insurgents didn't attack Pearl Harbor. Then again, I don't recall when the Iraqs attacked New York either.)

God, what an idiot.

Ergo, the formulae provided by Coulter's Methematics give the wrong result: not half, but all of my arguments consist of me calling Republicans dumb. All of their arguments simply prove me right.

- - - - - - -

BREAKING NEWS: Christian broadcaster Kevin McCullough reports that the morning after Hugh Hewitt's speech about the dangers of living in New York City during a time of war, he and Hewitt were walking together when they suddenly found themselves under enemy fire:
Hugh Hewitt and I had left Starbucks across the street from the Empire State Building today and were headed to the Salem studios to do an interview on his new book. . . . He had just finished breakfast stepped outside the door onto Fifth Ave. and an "F" bomb flew from a passerby.
I can only pray that nobody got hurt by this cowardly attack.