I'll Have What He's Having

Ye of little faith. There appear to be a few Doubting Thomases out there, who refuse to believe that Pat Robertson can actually leg-press 2,000 pounds--all thanks to Pat's Age-Defying Protein Shake for Jesus.

No, that's not a typo: not only has Pat modestly admitted the gospel truth on his own hit TV series, the 700-Pound Gorilla Club, but you can also find this indisputable fact on his divinely inspired Web site.

So what if there's no leg press manufactured that can hold that much weight? Pat is lifting the heavy burden of the world's sins and sloth with those gnarly calves of his. And isn't that the Devil Himself sitting on top of that machine? My, he's put on weight!

So what if a Pat's Ton of Steel is 665 pounds over the world record? Those godless liberal Communist doubters just don't understand that the Lord works in mysterious ways. While Pat is pushing heavenwards on those weights, God is pulling along with His Invisible Hand. (His Other Hand seems to be writing something on that wall over there.)

So what if the capillaries in the Dan Kendra's eyes burst when he broke the (now former) world's record? Pat has The Vision--and His Eyes are burst-proof. And you should check out Pat's ears, too. You surely found out by now that Pat overheard God talking about sending a category 666 hurricane straight at America, followed by a Leviathan-strength tsunami.

Let's all pray for Pat as he builds up those awesome thighs! Just a few more weeks' training with The Holy Spirit, and Pat will be fit enough to stop that hurricane and the tsunami with his bare feet!

As for my own soul: On a good day, I can lift barely 300 pounds on the leg press. I'm sold: every evening, before I go to the gym, I'm going to have me some of Pat's "Resurrected from the Dead" Shake--along with my Crystal Christian Kool-Aid.

Update: For the heathen who want to see the recipe without surrendering their e-mail addresses (and, eventually, their wallets) to Reverend Pat, the adventurers at a true site of inequity, Gods4Suckers, wrote in for the secret ingredients and posted it here.